Prompt: Describe what you would contribute to the University or medical profession.
Just a note, the essay is about 1000 words long, and it isn't even close to the limit of 1350. I appreciate it if you read the whole thing, as it kinda builds up from the beginning, but really, any feedback, no matter how big or small, would be appreciated. It's for Neucom, an accelerated med program in Ohio.
My greatest fear in life is not on the list of typical fears. It is not death, darkness, heights, spiders, or any other terror on the great list of typical scares. In fact, my greatest fear is not even something that is external. It is within me. It is the fear that, when death comes knocking on the door and I am looking back on my life, I regret: I regret that I wasted all the time that I had, all the years of youth and adulthood, doing nothing at all that would keep alive my legacy. My fear, ultimately, is to waste my life. I am a fan of living it to the absolute fullest, not sitting on the couch wasting time. This is why I hate to procrastinate. And it is also why I have always wanted to be a doctor.
For someone like me, someone who does not want to waste life, helping people is my one goal. After all, most people will agree that spending and devoting your life to the benefit of others is the best way that a person can live, the best way that he or she can utilize his or her time on earth. I reached this conclusion after hearing stories from my Grandfather, who was himself a doctor before he retired. Working for the government of Pakistan, he went all over Africa to deliver aid to impoverished areas. He spent all of his adulthood devoted to this cause, despite the fact that he could have stayed at home. But he had no regrets. He loved every moment of his job, and he won the love of his many patients. Not only that, but he earned a legacy that time cannot erase, a legacy of putting others before himself. That is the kind of legacy that I want, the kind of life I want to live. My desire to be a doctor, a desire that began with my Grandpa's stories and my life experiences, was further magnified after I started volunteering at the local hospital. The experiences that I got from there really made me fall in love with the environment. From caring for patients to assisting nurses and doctors, I was exposed to the day-to-day workings of the hospital. I even got to see some surgeries up close and personal, a really unique experience that I could brag about to my friends. However, the one thing that really brought about my conviction to entering the medical field was seeing patients, no matter how bad their health was, always smile whenever a doctor entered the room to give them their final checkup before being released. The gratitude etched on the patient's face, a gift to the doctor who made him/her healthy again, was a reward that I came to desire. The ability to make people better, healthier, and ultimately, happier-that was the kind of job I wanted to have.
With that in mind, there is no question about how dedicated I am to becoming a medical student. With the medical knowledge from Neucom, I truly hope that I can contribute to the University in research. One of my goals in life is to help as many people as I possibly can, and the way I want to do that is to discover a ground-breaking therapy, treatment, or even cure to one of the many ailments that affect human health. Furthermore, I already know enough about the human body, courtesy of A.P. Biology, to know what really interests me. I particularly enjoyed learning about the heart and how such a complex muscle can work so hard throughout a person's life. One of Neucom's focuses in research is Cardiovascular diseases, a big problem that effects more people in America that perhaps any other kind of disease. If there were any new treatments that could be developed for heart disease or other heart problems, these treatments would change the lives of millions of people for the better. To be apart of this field, a field filled with enormous potential, is a dream that I truly desire. It is a desire that can only be satisfied by the research provided by Neucom.
On a larger scale, I have a few plans in mind when talking about my contribution to the medical field. Ultimately, the field that I want to go into is cardiology. As I said earlier, the heart is an organ that fascinates me. It is arguably one of the most essential to life, and one of the most complex. To have a healthy heart is the most important foundation to having a long life, and that is why I want to specialize in keeping it healthy. Despite its dependency though, it is still susceptible to many diseases, most of which have lifestyle causes. My goal is to keep the hearts of my town as healthy as possible. Besides cardiology, another plan I have for the future is to open a clinic. The city I live in, Cincinnati, has a wide range of communities, some of which are high-end and others that are not. Communities like Over the Rhine in Cincinnati not only are impoverished though, but crime rates are through the roof, a problem that can make the place very dangerous. My dad's friend, who was a brain surgeon before he retired, decided to do something about this problem once he did retire. He opened up an emergency care clinic in his township, a hospital that would accept anyone regardless of whether or not they had insurance. It was not a full fledged hospital, but anyone who had any minor health problems would be admitted. I too would like to do what my dad's friend did, opening up a clinic in my community that can be accessed by anyone. My goal is the same as my Grandfather, to give care to those who would otherwise suffer. Once I become a doctor, I hope to achieve that goal by returning back to Cincinnati and starting a clinic, a clinic that would be available to everyone.
This is good writing, and you are one of the lucky ones whose brains work in very sophisticated ways. Yet, it makes you tend to be dramatic in a way that creates a lot of words. The stuff is all good, but it can be refined. It can be said in subtler ways with fewer words so that the reader gets to do some of the work, some of the self-expression.
For example, if you force yourself to write that whole first paragraph in a single sentence, I am sure it will be a hell of a sentence.
Spending and devoting your life to the benefit of others is the best way that a person can live, the best way that he or she can utilize his or her time on earth. --- this is a powerful sentence. It really shows why you want to enter the field. I think I agree with you!!! Remember, though, that you can help in other ways. For example, you can work to ensure people can all have health care. Nevertheless, actually learning medicine is the best way!!!!
When you use 'grandfather' this way, it doe snot get capitalized:
I reached this conclusion after hearing stories from my grandfather, who was a docto working for the government of Pakistan. He went all over Africa to deliver aid to impoverished areas and spent all of his adulthood devoted to this cause, despite the fact that he could have stayed at home. But he had no regrets. He loved ... the kind of life I want to live. ---- nice! I was planning to use this paragraph as an example of a paragraph that could be accomplished using only half the number of words you used, but I actually only cut out a few.
In general, though, you, like other good writers, need to revise by cutting out some content. Make it sleek.
Give this its own paragraph:
My desire to be a doctor, a desire that...
What is your biggest fear?
…a reader asked me. Instead of writing a quick response, I took the time to reflect, not without some fear.
First I dumped. I wrote down a list of my fears.
1- To suffer from terminal illness
2- To fail in love
3- To lose my mother
4- To produce unoriginal work
5- To have no friends
6- To have a boring life
7- To live through war / conflict again
8- To mess up hypothetical children
9- To lose my physical strength
10- To get old, and risk not being attractive
Second, I inquired. What is at the bottom of each fear?
For every fear I asked what about it that is scary?
1- To suffer from terminal illness > being with the pain
2- To fail in love > being with the loss
3- To lose my mother > being with the pain and the loss
4- To produce unoriginal work > being with the pain of rejection
5- To have no friends > being with the shame and the loss
6- To have a boring life > being with the pain
7- To live through war / conflict again > being with the pain and the loss
8- To mess up hypothetical children > being with the regret and the shame
9- To lose my physical strength > being with the pain and the loss
10- To get old, and risk not being attractive > being with the pain and the loss
Third, I analyzed. What is the common theme?
I am afraid of myself
My biggest fear is being alone with extremely difficult feelings: pain, loss, shame, regret
My biggest fear is abandoning myself when I need me the most
My biggest fear is me
I let it sink in. What do I do about it?
Remind myself when I am in fear, that I might have my back more than I think I will, if things go wrong.
Strengthen the relationship with self, by spending more time alone, without distractions.
Increase my capacity to tolerate difficult feelings, through therapy work, and connecting with the body.
And in that, my friends, I hope to continue living with less fear of myself, and more love for myself.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” — Marianne Williamson